This is (the real) me
Updated: Oct 24, 2018
When I had my quarter of a century birthday last year, I asked myself “What the f* am I doing?” I’d realised, as fun as my early 20s was, I had lost my way. My values went out the window, my health down the toilet, and my savings account was nowhere to be seen. I didn’t have a lot to show for my life so far, except for a whole lotta memories! Don’t get me wrong, memories and experiences are worth more than a thriving savings account, in some respects, but I couldn’t live like this forever, it was time to sort my shit out.
I wasn’t happy, I knew I wasn’t happy, but I couldn’t understand why. Why was I feeling so hopeless when I was truly lucky to be living my life? I had an amazing family (albeit on the other side of the world), I had an incredibly supportive boyfriend and I had a big group of friends that I loved spending time with. I wasn’t working a lot so that didn’t help, but when I was working I wasn’t truly enjoying work like I used to. I moped around for a bit, spent weeks upon weeks feeling sorry for myself. I got to a point where things that I used to enjoy doing, like reading, exercising, and even watching back to back Netflix, all became too much. I’d stopped doing everything. At one point, I had even stopped talking to my friends.
This was not the first time I had felt like this, I’d had mild depression before. I recognised all the same signs and symptoms. Deep down I knew what I needed to do to find myself again, but I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’d hit an all-time low, and I was afraid I was beginning to push away the people closest to me.
Right Image Shot by @jarvdesign
You Always Have a Choice
After months of feeling awful, there was a turning point. It took just a few simple words (and a bit of a pep talk) from someone special to me. But the words that stuck with me were “you always have a choice.” You cannot simply just choose to be happy, this person wasn’t saying that. This person was telling me I have a choice to change my life. It’s in my hands. This was so simple and so true. I am a woman of the 21st century, I have rights and I can make my own choices.
So I didn’t just choose to be happy. I chose to do things, that in turn would hopefully make me happy! I chose to go to therapy, I chose to join an anxiety & stress workshop, I chose to get another part time job, I chose to volunteer for a charity, I chose to get up every morning with my alarm and have a berocca! I chose to be honest with my friends about how I was feeling and now I have chosen to write this blog, which I think for me is the biggest step so far.
Instagram vs. Reality
Before wrapping up I’d like to briefly talk about the reality of Instagram models. Just like anyone else, I have been through a lot of highs and lows during my 6 years in London. According to Instagram though, I’ve only been on highs. As models, we are told to keep our Instagram a happy, cheerful place without too much (if any) negativity. It’s not entirely real but it’s just the way it is for our careers. So with that in mind, next time you look at an Instagram models page and think “omg she has the perfect life” (I do this all the time too), just remember there’s no such thing as perfect. Everyone has their own personal struggles and heartbreaks, but you won’t see a lot of this on Instagram.
For me, this blog is going to be real. No bullshit, no lies, no worries!
And I can’t wait to continue sharing with you.
“We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.” – Randy Pausch
Feature image shot by @jarvdesign